#MeToo

Recently the #MeToo posts went viral
And I found myself staring at them frozen.
I knew I counted.
I knew I had experiences I could talk about it.
The numerous sexually threatening messages I have received
The massive amounts of guys that have looked at me like a tender piece of meat laying on their dinner plate.
And yet, it all paled in comparison to you
Every time I thought about that hashtag,
All I could think about was what you had done to me.
How you controlled me for years.
How you led me on to believe that what we had was friendship.
How you raped me for years.

Rape sounds so harsh and yet,
It is what has occurred.
It took me years to admit that this was the right phrase.
It took me years to look inside and realize that I wasn’t the one in the wrong;
That I had merely been a victim in your never-ending conquest.
You controlled me for so long that when I finally had freedom,
I didn’t know what to do with it.
You made me hate who I was.
You made me second guess every decision I made.
You instilled a fear in me that I didn’t know could exist before I met you.
And despite all of the scars you left on me… I came out of it doing okay.
But I had my bumps.
Every time I misjudged boundaries.
Every time I went against my own judgement
Every time I let others take control,
It all came from what you taught me.
Your twisted code made its way into my mind and took up residency.
You messed me up in so many more ways than either of us could have imagined.

I still keep it a secret.
Even now, years later
I refuse to put up a #MeToo tag
Although lord knows I fit the criteria.
I guard our ugly, disgusting, evil secret
Because I can’t bear to say it out loud.
Still, all of these years later,
I’m scared to say something
Just like you taught me.
Your marks, your scars, still shine through on me,
Dulled as they are.
I want to be free of your grip
But sometimes that’s easier said than done.
I want to start the rest of my life,
Without you there as a constant reminder
Of all of the things I cannot change.
I want to live again, on my own terms.
#MeToo